I have had varying levels of depression for my whole adult life. I’ve taken antidepressants and I haven’t. I have had times of isolation and times of community. Before I had my kids I had the freedom to act how I wanted. I had a good distracting job that I could dive into. Or if I didn’t feel like that I could lay in bed all day and numb out on TV or a book or whatever. My husband was busy with his Master’s degree. It’s not that my depression didn’t effect people, it just wasn’t so apparent. (Until we were on the edge of divorce, but that’s for another day 😉 )
When I had my Maggie Rose I quit my job and started a new journey of staying at home. It took a good 9 months before I was kind of okay with being home. Part of it was because she was a challenging baby and I felt like my hardest day at work was nowhere near the hardest day at home alone with baby Maggie. Another was it was very isolating. I got pregnant with Maggie almost immediately after I was “done” with my first phase of healing; so I was practicing being in community and engaging with friends, etc. Quitting my job and having a colicky baby helped me to isolate, which continues to be my default. It always feels more comfortable to stay home and not return calls/texts than it does to put myself out there in any way.
Right now I have hard days and I have days that are a little easier. Today has been a hard day. I have been depressed. It’s one of those days that I would definitely just lay in bed, open the window, and stream football. I can’t say that I have done much more than that, but now I have that mom guilt that creeps in. Everyone has had more screen time than I want (how much is too much anyway?), I have kind of laid in a heap, letting the kids destroy the house.
Maggie asked to go outside and I told her no!! Who does that? Me. I do. Especially when I’m depressed. I hate these days when I feel like it’s all I can do to throw some hot dogs on the table for lunch. Then I remember that these times are thankfully fleeting for me. I don’t feel like this everyday. The kids hopefully won’t remember me this way, and if they do, I will apologize profusely, but it’s all for the good of our family. These emotional ups and downs are for a purpose. I have an unending hope that one day I will be better than I am today.