Oh man. We have all been there. You hope. You look for a light at the end of the tunnel. You choose to be optimistic for once and then it doesn’t go the way you wanted. It’s the human condition, right? When I went back to active counseling (Phase 2 as I have been calling it!) this time I had a hope that things will change, that I can have relief from my triggers, and I can overcome some of those things that continue to hold me back.
I had what I would call a breakthrough moment in counseling a couple of weeks ago. It was so meaningful, in fact, that I haven’t been able to even really put into words either verbally or in my journal all that happened. I left feeling okay–now I can turn the corner. Now I feel integrated and more alive. Trying to navigate life after a moment in time that I felt the most whole than perhaps ever before has been way more challenging than I anticipated. Rather than surge forward, I have found myself regressing back into old patterns. It’s like I have a subconscious fear of freedom. I resist wholeness and my brain seeks isolation. Instead of feeling more alive, I feel like I need to deaden my emotions.
Honestly, I have been struggling. I feel depressed. I feel anxious. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to isolate. I want to numb out on TV and chocolate. The control that I am always seeking is slipping through my fingers. I can’t control the way I feel. I can’t control the way I interact with my husband or my kids. I can’t control how my preschooler talks to me or the faces she makes. It’s like trying to desperately grab at the wind. Yeah, yeah. I hear the Christianese in my head: This is what the Lord wants–you to be out of control, so that He can show you the way. In my weakness, He is made strong. Well, out of my all-too-often bitter, weary heart I say blah blah blah. Those statements don’t help to ease the underlying anxiety and disappointment I am feeling today.
So here I am with no answers. Here I sit wondering when my heart will stop racing, wondering when I will be able take a full breath in. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am disappointed. But I am here. I am fighting to stay present.
I also know a few things. I know that I am strong. I am brave. And most of all, I am safe. No one is trying to use me. No one is asking me for things that they have no right to possess. I have a loving, supportive family. I trust in Jesus’ timing. I take comfort knowing that these are the growing pains necessary for travel on the road to redemption.